


Here without you

by goldensea



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25512283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldensea/pseuds/goldensea
Summary: Dean grieving sam's death.Its heavy please don't read if suicide triggers you.I'm sorry in advance.
Relationships: Dean and Sam





	Here without you

It was a cold night the mud seeping through his jeans where he sat near little brother's grave.  
rubbing furiously at his eyes, sniffling 

"God Sammy!" he choked out 

" i can't believe you man! "  
its been three years yet it still hurts! The older brother is still messed up in the head over it, he tries so heard to keep it together and he will put his act straight back to normal, but than his mask cracks open and everything gets drowned in chaos of pain and emptynessl

" i try real hard sammy i put back my pieces together, hold it with a glue, carry it along with me but eventually they fall apart into tiny pieces....you used to hold me together..... It was always for you that i put on my best!...... for you i would face the world with my head held high......

He took a shaky breath 

"I'm mad at you! I'm so mad you can't even......" he sighed  
" don't worry I'll forgive you, i always do dont i?...  
But not now sammy not when i know you chose to leave me...." 

"what were you thinking!" his voice got loud, anger cruised through his veins  
" like sure dean can handle this, or did you thought i wouldn't care? Oh what ever he'll get over this" he was shouting and didn't care  
"Well News flash sam i can't!" he rubbed his face roughly and stood pacing left and right afront off the grave breathing hard 

"or you didn't know how much i love you" he whispered the last sentence because that's his biggest fear, that's what keeps him up at night

"god sammy how can't you not see that!.... I know i had one job and i screwed it up...... Taking care of you was more than a job... It's kinda who...i I'm.... And without you here im just a shell of the person you used to know your absence left a hole inside me.... So big I'm stripped to my core..... You are my better half, you are my conscience. It's you who made me good.... Without you im just an empty hollow.....

I keep asking my self what if i had told dad about you? about your dark thoughts? what if i payed more attention to each word you said? what if i was there? what if i never left for the stupid job huh sammy? Maybe you would have been here..... 

Iwas so caught up with my loyalty to you that i never told dad how much you were hurting inside, i didn't want to betray you then you'll shot me out,

I was foolish to think i had every thing under control, i was foolish to think it was just a phase, seeing you back to your cheerful beautiful self i thought you were over it.... And then jess God jess.... She came along and you had your beautiful babies.... And i thought we were out of the woods.... The apple pie life and white fance you always wanted.....  
But i was wrong... So wrong.... And for that I'm sorry .....

I'm still waiting for a letter from you you know? Last words... An explanation..... You just can't do that.... You can't quit on me.... You can't quit on family.... You can't stop believing in us! 

I thought it was you and me against the world sammy? 

Dean broke down in big awful sobs 

He sat down again welling hemself to stop bit his hand then just gave up all together and layed down near his little brother hugging the cold stone 

" i miss you" he whimpered between heaving breaths 

"i miss you so much little bro that i wish i could stay here with you forever, but i won't do that sammy no mater how much i want to see you again, i won't. I promise you i ll take care of Jessica and the kids for you. I won't give up, i ll always keep fighting "


End file.
